Walk into any synagogue and you’re likely to see children running around, playing with their peers or engaging in a Tot Shabbat.
For those experiencing infertility and loss, a twinge of pain may accompany that joyous sight.
“We as a Jewish community are very child-focused,” said Dr. Aimee Baron, founder of the nonprofit I Was Supposed to Have a Baby. “We think a lot about the next generation — about our camps, our schools, how we can pass down our traditions. … And when you don’t have children, or the number of children that you hoped you might have, there’s a real void, personally, but also communally.”
That’s why Beth Sholom Congregation and Talmud Torah held an Infertility Awareness Shabbat on Nov. 8, shedding light on a topic rarely discussed. Baron, the scholar-in-residence, spoke to the community over three sessions, including an opportunity for attendees to ask her questions.
“People are waiting and waiting to have a baby or to have a healthy pregnancy,” Baron told Washington Jewish Week. “One of the things that makes waiting so difficult is when you don’t know what the end result is going to be.”
It’s more common than many think. While not often talked about, one in six couples will experience infertility issues and one in four experience pregnancy loss.
Baron drew on personal experiences — “I was struggling to build my family” — and connected the conversation to Jewish themes in her remarks on Shabbat.
“I talked about Abraham and Sarah, and [how] they had this guarantee from God,” Baron said. “There’s so much in the Torah and the parshah where they talk about how they waited for years, for decades, [to bear children].”
Even with God’s promise, Sarah was still in “incredible disbelief” that she would have a successful pregnancy, Baron said: “So how much more [difficult is it] for the people who are waiting and don’t have that answer?”
Baron, who has children but also suffered multiple miscarriages, emphasized the importance of Jewish faith in her times of despair.
“In my deepest, darkest, most terrible days, weeks, months and years where my arms were empty, where my heart was broken, where I just didn’t know if I was ever going to have another baby, I felt really disconnected from everyone,” she recalled, adding that one year, she experienced a second miscarriage a week before Rosh Hashanah.
The last thing Baron wanted to do was to go to synagogue. So she called up her rabbi and asked if the rabbi could send someone to her house to blow the shofar for her.
“There was something deeply powerful about that moment for me,” Baron said. “That small act helped me feel more connected, more complete, at a time when I was so broken.”
She suggested that attendees find a small comfort — such as the blowing of the shofar — that will help during times of grief.
Baron also shared the “dos and don’ts” of speaking with someone experiencing infertility: “Empathy is the key, not platitude[s].” It can be more meaningful to offer a listening ear than assure someone that they’ll have a baby in no time or that “everything happens for a reason,” she said.
Baron’s talks were well received at the Potomac synagogue.
“I’ve never seen such a captivated audience as I did when Dr. Baron was speaking,” said Briana Felsen, a member of Beth Sholom. “She’s a very captivating speaker and was really able to draw up a lot of emotion.”
Felsen, who serves on the board of I Was Supposed to Have a Baby, spoke to the need to talk about infertility and raise awareness of the still stigmatized issue: “It’s a very isolating thing.”
“Infertility, sadly, is one of those challenges that is really a silent struggle for so many,” Rabbi Eitan Cooper of Beth Sholom said.
“If the community can be more educated and understand what’s going on, even if it’s not something they experience, it makes for a healthier, happier, more supportive community,” Felsen said.
Cooper said the Infertility Awareness Shabbat encapsulates the shul’s mission, which is to “be as inclusive as possible” and consider every individual in the community, including their struggles.
Synagogues can make small changes to reflect this inclusivity. Baron noted that when advertising an event, many synagogues offer a rate for singles and a rate for families, which excludes couples who don’t have children: “What about a rate for couples?”
That inclusivity could also look like marketing events as “open to everyone of all ages” rather than “family-friendly” or “kid-friendly” — the latter of which places an unnecessary emphasis on children, Baron said.
Attendees left the building armed with new knowledge about infertility and how to best support those affected.
“One of the best parts about this weekend is that people no longer feel isolated in the community,” Felsen said. “This is not the end of the conversation. It’s just the start, but the community is warm and wants to learn and be supportive of people who are experiencing loss [and] infertility.”
