Hazzan Asa Fradkin knows the stressors and joys of planning a b’nai mitzvah as he regularly works with local tweens preparing for their milestone 13th birthdays.
Teens who are b’nai mitzvah are expected to memorize a Torah portion that they recite at the ceremony. Fradkin, the coordinator of Congregation Beth El of Montgomery County’s b’nai mitzvah program, meets with 12-year-olds about six months before their big day to see how they’re progressing with their tutors and what final bits of training or preparation they may need before their final rehearsal, which takes place days before the service.
Fradkin gave the Washington Jewish Week an insider’s look into the b’nai mitzvah preparation process and the months of work that both he and local tweens put in.
Do you have to know Hebrew well and/or grow up attending Hebrew school to have a b’nai mitzvah?
Knowing Hebrew is the number one factor in making the process enjoyable and smooth for kids entering this process. It doesn’t mean that they can’t be successful if they haven’t grown up in a traditional religious school or if they don’t know Hebrew well, they can certainly succeed by working really hard to do as much memorization as they can and picking up some basic Hebrew reading skills. There’s no question that familiarity with Hebrew and strength with Hebrew reading is the number-one factor that I think helps kids feel confident in their ability to learn all the material and come out at the other end – being able to stand up at the front of the congregation and feel confident.
Tweens typically have a tutor to study Torah in addition to meeting with you. How does your role fit in?
My job is to make sure that all the kids and the families are getting what they need, in terms of their relationship with the tutor, their learning style, their study habits. A lot of times, the tutor needs additional support from me to help families get a better sense of where their kid’s priorities need to lie with how they practice, how often they practice, prioritizing studying, sometimes changing or editing what they are doing to make sure it’s achievable, essentially managing the process, [seeing] that everyone is on the same page and getting what they need.
We started using Google Sheets to track each of the kids’ progress so that myself, tutors and the parents can all see the sheets, and this allows us to all be on the same page. I use those sheets to have a conversation with a parent and a kid when I see them about how they think things are going, what their trajectory is and if we need to change the status quo, or the particular expectations that we have for them so that they can be successful.
Sometimes the parents just need to sit with me and have a discussion about what the realistic expectations are for their kids and how to help their kids be successful. Because every family comes from a really different perspective and background, so sometimes they really just need a bit of orientation to the whole process. And sometimes, it’s as simple as they just need to hear that their kid hasn’t quite gotten the immediacy of the need to study a little bit every day and make sure they’re getting their work done. Parents are so overworked, so overtired, and it’s really hard for everybody to focus on one particular activity for an entire year and make it a priority. I know how hard it is because I’m a dad, how hard it is just to make sure that my kids are doing what they’re supposed to be doing with homework and with practicing their music and practicing for whatever else that they’re responsible for. I have a lot of empathy for these parents. Sometimes just having a face-to-face meeting is really effective, much more effective than sending an email.
What is the biggest challenge in the planning process and how do you help with that?
I think the biggest challenge is knowing how to prioritize time and how parents can check on their kids’ progress. I think a lot of parents don’t feel like they have the knowledge base or the personal self-confidence in their own Hebrew or anything else to even know whether their kids are getting stuff right or wrong, and therefore they’re not really listening to their kids practice.
They don’t know whether or not their kids are practicing daily, or even if they are inefficiently, or how much they’ve gotten done. For lots of reasons, they rely on us to help them gauge those metrics, like where the kids are and where they need to be. One of the biggest challenges that we help them deal with is making sure that they know what they’re looking for – it’s just empowering the parents a little more.
When it comes to the kids, it’s a similar thing: them knowing how to make the time [to practice] 10 to 15 minutes a day. I spend a lot of time trying to empower parents and kids to feel like they can do this and giv[ing] them the tools to do it.
What do you enjoy about working with teens?
Their personalities. Because the text is always the same; the assignments are always the same. Every time you get a kid who learns how to read Torah and wants to do it again. We just started a Teen Torah Reading Society and got several kids to sign up, and it’s exciting. Their parents are proud of them. The kids are proud of themselves. When you see them in the hallways on the High Holidays, … they’re happy to see you. You have that relationship with them. It’s really fulfilling.
I may or may not remember what the kid’s Torah portion was or what they talked about at their b’nai mitzvah, but that relationship is really important and meaningful to me.
