Death and dying are uncomfortable topics for many, but that’s precisely why Rabbi Gilah Langner wants to discuss them.
Langner, the spiritual leader of Kol Ami: The Northern Virginia Reconstructionist Community, is partnering with an end-of-life doula for a three-part series exploring the practical and spiritual aspects of end-of-life planning. The group will walk through key topics such as advance directives, ethical wills, funeral arrangements and burial versus cremation.
Langner will be in conversation with Alison Butler, an end-of-life doula and member of Kol Ami. Butler has experience helping people with end-of-life tasks and sitting with them as they’re dying.
“I love the idea of a doula, which we associate with birth, to have that sense of somebody who is accompanying you and easing your burden as you enter this transition — as you die,” Langner said.
Butler will lead the part of the series that deals with end-of-life care and how to navigate the “dying period.” She will also discuss how an end-of-life doula can help at all stages, how the dying person can benefit from that accompaniment and how a Jewish end-of-life doula offers something unique. Because Kol Ami is a Reconstructionist synagogue, Butler looks into alternative methods for everything from Jewish burial to traditional prayers, just in case a community member prefers a slightly nontraditional custom.
“I’m really looking forward to working with her on the course,” Langner said.
The last session, on Feb. 21, is dedicated to the concept of the afterlife. “Many Jews feel we don’t have that in Judaism, but actually, we have a very rich tradition about an afterlife, and I want people to know about that,” Langner said.
Judaism envisions the afterlife as a “window between this world and the next,” she added.
In addition to Jewish perspectives on the afterlife, the rabbi will discuss how these traditions can offer grounding, guidance and compassion: “There are ways of thinking about the journey of the soul after death that I think can be really comforting.”
Langner said three sessions don’t even begin to cover the wide scope of end-of-life planning.
“There’s just so much to talk about,” she said. “But we’re going to make a dent in this and allow people to also reflect on their concerns and worries and areas they don’t want to think about, and areas they are willing to think about, all of those kinds of things that come up with such a sensitive topic.”
Since death can be difficult to discuss, Langner emphasized the importance of allowing attendees time to process the information, ask questions and share their thoughts during the series. They may also want to journal, write or meditate.
This series isn’t the Kol Ami community’s first endeavor on the subject of death. Langner said the synagogue has hosted a session or two on ethical wills. The community has talked about shiva and other death-related topics in a piecemeal manner, never giving a full overview.
The community does, however, have a communal document titled, “When Someone Dies,” which informs readers who to call in the event of a death, how to navigate the period immediately after a death and what resources are available, including websites, poems and prayers.
She spoke to the “tremendous” resources in the DMV region, from Jewish funeral homes to the Chevra Kadisha of Greater Washington, which prepares bodies for burial.
“We have such a wonderful, rich tradition that walks us through these difficult times, right from the moments before death,” Langner said. “There are rituals that help calm and center the people around and provide a calm setting for a person to pass away.”
Post-death rituals ensure that the deceased is honored and given tribute after their passing.
“I think this provides a lot of comfort and a spiritual setting for dealing with such a tremendous loss that people suffer,” Langner said. “And then, of course, the timing of different periods is aimed mostly at helping people regain some healing after the loss.”
She is referring to the week-long shiva, the 30-day shloshim mourning period and the 11 months of saying Kaddish.
“All of these things are geared toward allowing people to hold on, but let go,” Langner said, referencing a poem by Rabbi Harold S. White.
“I want [attendees] to get an overall sense of how our tradition supports people who are experiencing a loss, who are dying, who are caring for someone who is dying, how people should think about their own [end-of-life] planning and not be afraid of it,” Langner said.
