Rabbi Aaron Potek tells people he’s not a therapist, but he’s willing to hear out their relationship troubles, specifically those of interfaith couples.
He’s made it his mission to facilitate a guided, nonjudgmental space for Jewish young adults and their non-Jewish partners to talk, learn and grow together, something he has done through the workshop at Sixth & I Historic Synagogue for more than five years. The most recent cohort met every Wednesday in August.
“My favorite part of this workshop is just being able to be in a room of interfaith couples, talking about these very personal and sometimes thorny issues in a way that feels open and growth-oriented, kind and compassionate, understanding,” said Potek, the senior rabbi and director of Jewish life at Sixth & I.
He added that he enjoys discussing things that couples are dealing with but could be afraid to bring up, including issues for interfaith couples such as navigating the holiday season together, understanding antisemitism and Jewish identity, discussing the Israel-Hamas war and deciding how they want to one day raise their children.
“This dynamic happens in so many relationships, where the thing that is sometimes scary to talk about gets swept under the rug,” Potek said. “And what’s so beautiful about this workshop is that the people who attend it realize that we can’t sweep this under the rug. We have to talk about our differences around faith.”
Potek spoke to a level of trust in the group that enhances couples’ relationships. There are nine couples in each cohort in order to keep the discussions small while ensuring a diversity of perspectives in the room.
He referred to the workshop as a “brave space.”
“It’s a space where people come ready to share the intimate details of their relationships with people who are strangers,” Potek said. “They’re doing it because they trust that doing so and leaning on the collective wisdom of the group is going to help them work through some issues that they might not be able to work through on their own.”
The four sets of workshops every year generate an overwhelming amount of interest — some couples wait six months to secure a spot. Rabbi Shira Stutman instituted the Interfaith Couples’ Workshop when she worked at Sixth & I, noticing a lack of spaces created for interfaith couples, and Potek took over after she left.
Potek, who has officiated weddings since before his rabbinical ordination in 2013, said his experience working with couples had largely been through wedding preparations. He took pastoral counseling courses, which trained him in working with couples and helping them through their relationship issues.
During each workshop session, couples brought a case study on an issue they’re facing for group discussion: “Every couple will be on the ‘hot seat.’”
One example of a case study involved a non-Jewish partner who crossed herself as a joke, which offended the Jewish partner. This scenario led to a wider discussion of raising children and what is and isn’t appropriate to joke about. Potek said it is seemingly small issues like this one that have larger implications.
Each couple presented their case study, then remained silent while the 16 others discussed the issue.
“The model of this workshop is that we’re not going to get into litigating and details,” he said. “There’s a lot of defensiveness that can happen when people talk about their relationships. … The group discusses their case study, … but they’re not responding.”
Instead, couples are expected to silently take in the different reactions, then go home and reflect on everything that was said and decide on their next steps. Potek said this approach can sometimes get emotional, so he keeps a box of tissues available and reminds every class that it’s normal to experience “big feelings.”
He said the atmosphere in the room is a combination of apprehension — from sharing personal details with a room of “strangers” — and joy from the freedom that arises from talking about issues and realizing that no one in the room is alone in their struggles.
Leading the workshop is one of Potek’s favorite things to do within his role at Sixth & I.
“It is such a privilege to be able to hold space with couples who are bringing their full selves and talking about the things that matter most to them,” Potek said. “There’s a line in the Talmud that says ‘God leads us in the way that we want to go,’ and there’s a similar dynamic happening here with the interfaith couples. They know, deep down, the direction they need to go. The workshop just helps them take a concrete step forward on that journey.”
