Every Jewish single has heard the same questions and pieces of advice a million times, and nobody wants to listen to any of them. As we enter one of the most romantic times of the year, here’s a sample of some, and how you can reply:
1. Why haven’t you found anyone? Yeah, that’s a question I wanna answer. The first thing I want to do when I’m single is tell people why I’m undesirable. And don’t tell me I’m awesome, either—I know that.
2. Have you tried JDate? You don’t have to be ashamed—everyone’s doing it! There are 2 possible results from this question and statement: Either the person hearing it has made a conscious decision not to do it and is now filled with even more self-doubt about their life choices—or, they are on it, and their natural reaction is, “I was never ashamed, why would I be?”
3. Beggars can’t be choosers. Are you sure you’re not just being too picky? You’re right. I haven’t had a relationship in a year, which automatically makes me a beggar. I should pretty much just propose to the least appealing person I know now.
4. Aren’t you too young to be worried about finding a Jewish boyfriend/girlfriend? Just shut up, ok.
5. Maybe if you stop trying so hard, it’ll happen. YOU stop trying so hard.
6. Are you worried that you’ll never get married? I am now…
7. When do you want to be married by? Hang on while I email you a day-by-day schedule I’ve set for the rest of my life.
8. The clock is ticking! Ohhhhh, you’re right. I didn’t realize I was getting older.
9. Why aren’t you dating [best friend]? You two seem so perfect together! Cause I’ve clearly never considered it until you, random person, brought it up to me.
10. Are you Jewish? No, I’m Christian. I just have a thing for Jews and wanting to raise a Jewish family.
11. Maybe you’re not open-minded enough. I DID turn down the invitation to the party from that random guy on the street…
12. OMG I should totally set you up with this guy/girl I know! Duh, cause 2 single Jewish people are obviously gonna fall in love immediately cause, duh.
13. My grandson/granddaughter is so lovely, I should introduce the two of you. Thank you Mrs. Steinbergthalman. I’m so excited that the entire synagogue knows about my personal life. I’d love to go on a date with your grandkid who’s 15.
14. Come with me to Shabbat services, there’ll be a lot of other single people there! Right, cause nothing is hotter than hitting on someone during the silent Amidah.
15. Are you sure you’re not dating anyone? Come on, you can tell me! Well, I wasn’t gonna tell you before, but now that you’ve reminded me that I CAN, here goes.
Stay tuned for things that Jews in relationships are tired of hearing.