By now, you’ve all read my “15 things Jewish singles are tired of hearing” post enough to have it committed to memory. Go read it 15 more times, and then come back here and learn how to respond to those annoying people who say the same stuff over and over when you’re in a relationship.
1. When are you getting married? We already got married and you weren’t invited.
2. Could he/she be the one? Idk, I haven’t watched The Matrix in a while but I’m pretty sure Neo is the one (spoiler).
3. Do you love him/her? There are multiple ways to respond to this. If it’s inappropriately soon in the relationship for that type of question, “No—I’m madly in love with you and trying to cover it up.” If you’ve already said I love you to your bf/gf, “I can’t really answer that question. I mean, really, what is love?” Then, after a pause, “Baby don’t hurt me…don’t hurt me…no more…”
4. Do you want kids? I did but the ones I kidnapped last week were really obnoxious and started crying all the time so I think I’m over it.
5. Is he/she Jewish? Actually, he/she’s a Jedi, but they observe Shabbas too, so it works out really well.
6. How long have you been dating? Respond with an exact number—to the date and time. Including seconds. Doesn’t matter if it’s the right date or time, just make them stand there while you do the math out loud.
7. How’d you two meet? Well, we all really met for the first time at Sinai, right?
8. What’s your favorite memory with him/her? This moment, right now, telling you about my relationship.
9. Are you going to move in together? Well, I have to make sure he/she’s ok living with my rat collection. Most of them are alive.
10. You two are so great together! What are the odds that you found each other? 3.5 billion to 1. There. You happy now?
11. Would you consider going long-distance? Would you consider shutting up?
12. How can you be wasting time dating someone if you don’t know you’re going to marry them? How can YOU be wasting time living in a house you’re not sure you’re gonna die in?
13. Have you met the parents? Yes and no. I’ve met somebody’s parents, they just weren’t my bf/gf’s.
14. I’d better be invited to the wedding! Or else what? What will happen if we get married and you’re not invited? Will the world end? Will people die? Will anything bad come of it? No. Just stop. Stop.
15. He/She could have done way better, hahaha! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22YWYAtcyEA