With Passover less than three weeks away, it’s time to start preparing yourself. And by preparing yourself, we mean getting rid of all that chametz out of the house, stocking up on Manischewitz products and getting a Haggadah for your seders that won’t put everybody to sleep. Oh, and watching The Prince of Egypt, because that movie is amazeballs.
While each year we remember the story of Moses and the Exodus, it’s hard for most of us to relate to what the Jews went through in ancient Egypt. But we still have our own, very minuscule, first-world problems, that we go through during these eight days of living without the five major grains.
Here are some first-world Passover problems us Chosen Ones can relate to:
1. Broken teeth
That Bazooka Joe gum and those decades-old macaroons are enough to break every single one of your teeth.
2. Lack of quality bathroom time
We all know what matzah does to us downstairs…
3. Do I throw it out?
Are we supposed to throw out that expensive beer we were saving for a special occasion? What about that huge industrial-sized thing of peanut oil we bought so we’d never have to buy it again? Can I sell it if it’s open?
4. Didn’t I read this last year…?
One benefit Passover has over other holidays is that there’s plenty in the Haggadah margins to keep us entertained while we wait for the meal. But every year you don’t finish it, and you’re always wondering where you left off.
5. OR: When do I start reading the margins?
If you’re a faster reader, you know the pain of not knowing when you can start reading that extra material because you don’t want to finish it too early. But you also don’t want to be cut off mid-paragraph when the meal starts. Also, are you supposed to save stuff to read for second seder?
SHUT UP TV YES I WANT A F***ING SANDWICH AND NO I CAN’T HAVE ONE.
7. “But there’s no bread in this!”
OK, goyim, you just don’t understand what’s kosher for Passover. Stop trying to.
8. Wanna have dinner tonight?
Sure, if you don’t mind matzah, Breakstone’s, Temptee and Tam Tams. AKA every meal for me this week.
9. Getting home from seder
Four cups of wine? Psh. We all know that’s just the minimum.
10. MARCH MADNESS!
Every once in a while, the final game happens during the seder. Which is the worst. Ever.
11. When your matzah pizza breaks
Because, well, matzah.
12. When the local grocery store sells out of Manischewitz products
Oh — and Bacardi Silver and potato vodka.
13. Having to talk to your relatives while you’re drunk at seder.
Do you think Moses ever got drunk while they were walking through the desert?
14. Seeing this.